The good, the bad, and the ugly

Sorry to leave you guys hanging. Been busy…

So, amature night. I lost, but gained a lot of information. Now I’m really going to work hard and try again in about a month or so. As far as money goes, looks like I am getting $500 from my tax-return! Hell Yeah!!!

I’m really trying to whip myself into shape. Today I ate pretty well (could have done a lot better) and really stretched out. I’ve *almost* got my left splits. I can get down to the ground, yeah, but I still have to work on straightening my legs all the way out. Box splits are going pretty well, as are my right splits. Center spits? Oy. I’m working more on my abs, too. My legs are pretty good, and I like my arms right now.

I think I’m entering some sort of ‘rebel’ stage in my life. For the first time ever, I’m considering getting a tattoo. Just playing with the idea in my head, for right now. I don’t like the fact that it will always be there, and even if I did get one it would be something small, like a cherry blossom, a squid, an octopus, a cancer/leo zodiac sign, or something tribal. No bigger than one square inch. I’d get it on my shoulder blade or my hip; somewhere it can easily be concealed.

Also, as soon as I get a good camera, I’m thinking about auditioning to be a SuicideGirl. Again, just toying with the idea.

I really wish I had money. If I did, I would have more time to myself. But, that’s the way life is, isn’t it?

Later.

…Really?

Last night I called my boyfriend. His dad is mad at him. Keeping in mind what I’m going through right now, you’d think the conversation would have gone differently. I spent the entire hour giving him advice, and helping him. Basically he was pouting like a baby, going on and on about how he’s nothing but a fuck up, everyone hates him, life isn’t fair for him, nothing goes his way…

I love the boy, but I don’t have to like him. He has a pathological fear of rejection and failure, so it affects him much more. Still, it was aggravating. Then I was interrupted with a call from my mom, so I said “Hey, it’s my mom, I’ll call you back as soon as I’m done. I get done chatting with my mom. I call him back. The asshole has turned his phone off. That was last night. What happens when I call him this morning? The asshole still has his phone turned off. Where is he when I need him most? Not here, that’s for sure…

Tonight is the big night. I got an outfit a few days ago. It’s a white and black pinstripe braw with black like trim. The g-string I picked out is white with a black lace flower. Then I got a black tank top and black skirt. You know how people try to defend Miley Cyrus and say she’s not slutty or stupid? Yeah, that black skirt is from her clothing line. Boo-yeah! Try and defend that now!!!! Anyway, I was going for a kind of ‘tuxedo’ look. Today I’m going to hoof it on over to walmart and get a black ribbon to tie around my neck, bow-tie style.

If I get to be a stripper, I’m thinking about Gamine for my name. Or maybe Vixen, but Vixen just sounds so….obvious. As for my theme, I was thinking about the audience, right? It’s mostly going to be old guys and middle-aged to old guys. The club is located right next to a Boing factory, so there’s going to be no shortage of customers. I figure, old guys have all the money, so they’ll be my target audience.

Everyone wants what they can’t have. What do old guys not have? Youth, vitality, vigor, ect. So I was thinking that should be what I’m going for. Gamine/Vixen/Whatever could have this coltish, almost flapper-ish thing going on . Young, energetic, slightly boyish with a touch of old hollywood glamour and mischief. I could always alter it slightly. Maybe one night I would be more on the girly side, ect.

Small, alone, confused, and pissed.

Here’s the abbreviated story of my life.

I’m a military kid. I’ve lived in Germany, Washington, Texas, and have come back to Kansas. I have an 11 year old sister, who lives with my parents, all of whom live in las Vegas Nevada. Last summer we all lived here (small town kansas) but I moved out two days after my 18th birthday into a 600 square foot apartment. They moved away a week later. I’m a full time college student, looking to get my elementary teachers degree. That’s not my dream though. I really want to be an author and write children’s books. I’m 28 pages (word, times new roman, 12 font) into one and it’s going alright I guess.

Since last April I’ve been working as  a waitress, but that’s not really cutting it. Tomorrow is ammature night at a strip joint in wichita. You have to dance in amature night to get a job there. Not only that, but there’s a $500 cash prize and I intend to win it. I need to. Rent is due in five days.

I have a boyfriend of a year and a half, Shawn. He’s 20, tall dark and handsome. I love the boy, but I don’t have to like him. His dad is a major control freak. Like, he needs professional help and I’m not joking. He has some PTSD from war. Shawn still lives at his parents house, and can’t find a job. He’s going to college full time too. He used to have a really good job, but got laid off and he’s been hurt by that ever since. He has a tendancey to let others control him because he’s scared to make his own decisions, and he has a tendency to think only about his own emotions, not the emotions of others. He does care about the well being of others, though. He seems to think that if he devotes himself completely to his parents now and devotes himself to me later in life, it’s all good because I’ll be around longer. Dork.

I’m starting this blog because I feel so alone right now. There’s so much stigma surrounding stripping. I feel so alone. I don’t have anyone to reach out to in the real world. But I know I’ll feel better if I have someone to reach out to, even on the internet.